USURPED

My place on the family fridge had been usurped by my little brother which is fine, I mean, not that I care that mom and dad think his picture of a medieval guy riding up to a castle rendered in watercolor and totally out of proportion is better than my giraffe laughing in the sun rendered in crayon, because I don’t. I know that my giraffe laughing in the sun is really good and that mom and dad probably just didn’t see the subtleties, such as how laid back he is, and isn’t life just one lazy steel pan drum beat, and hey look there’s a giraffe on the fridge, laughing in the sun, and duh, giraffes aren’t supposed to laugh so therein lies the humor, and why can’t they absorb enough of that to reduce some of their adult grade silence at dinner?
But I’m always getting usurped by something. Like my brother’s medieval guy riding up to the castle, again, totally out of proportion, and also kind of dark and ominous and probably portending his future as a high school shooter. But if it’s not that then it’s that my sister finally got contacts. And everyone’s like, oh, Amy, you look like such a beautiful young woman. And I’m like, really? Cause to me she looks like that same bathroom hogging, tangle-haired banshee who throws all of those shrieky sleepovers which, mind you, I have never been invited to. And woe becomes the man who tries to sneak into one to take a gander at Mia Gusterson’s inner knee, because should he be found out, trying to pose as a perfectly reasonable lump under a blanket, no amount of nonchalant walking away will stem the blood curdling cries that will issue after him, or the reign of tired disapproval from mom.
But everyone is all like, Amy, you’re really growing up, and I’m still like, really? Because I don’t think that growing up is distinctive to the female of the species, other reluctant attendants of this household are growing up, as is evidenced by the obvious cultural acumen needed to render a vaguely Caribbean, definitely really wise, very cool giraffe laughing in the sun, with nods towards childhood whimsy, which is why I chose to use my adorably off-kilter kid hand when drawing said picture, instead of my precise drawing hand, currently being diverted and mostly employed in the learning of cursive.
Because I know just how efficiently an off-kilter kid drawing can warm the cockles of a tax doing, over extended married couple, and curry a relieved and life appreciating glint in their eye. I’ve been doing it my whole life! Every little long day for eight endless years. I’ve been cranking them out and serving them up. A dog chasing a cat. And palm tree lifting weights. A stick figure family in a canoe. An ant looking at an ant under a magnifying glass, only to see that that ant is also looking at an ant under a magnifying glass, ad infinitum. And then the penultimate—a giraffe laughing in the sun with a generally kind of gritty warmth and ripening joy, only to be usurped by my brother and his medieval guy walking up to a castle, at which point my drawing was demoted to the badlands of the lower half of the fridge, where nothing dwells except for a coffee stain and a smudgy veterinarian’s appointment magnet.
And there my drawing will stay, until I finally figure out a way to usurp the usurper with the ultimate drawing. One with the most mom and dad placating, wonky kid wizardry as to have ever descended upon this weary household, and which is already taking shape in my mind as this: a cat tailor, tailoring a dress for a mouse, with Thomas Jefferson in the background. Goodnight.

Daily Affirmations For An Ant

You are definitely a really hard worker, and every decision you’ve made has been the right one.

You’ve got some great segments!

You obviously don’t know the queen, because she is Her Highness, duh, but if you did know her, you guys would be best buds, and she would crown you hardest working ant in this whole damn colony.

Even though no one saw you carry an eyelash fully over a grape, you will always know you did it, and that’s what counts.

You’ve definitely got what it takes!

Every time you push a little piece of sand into place, it is the most amazing thing ever.

One day you will definitely realize your dream of owning an ant shack on a piece of bread.

They say it can’t happen, that your colony can never come across a puddle of honey on a red-checkered picnic cloth. They say it’s a pipe dream to keep you working! But you know it exists. You know that one day you’re going to do backstrokes in a puddle of honey while another ant sits on your face.

Bees can fly, yes, but can bees communicate through tiny electronic currents? Okay yes, but bees are unwieldy idiots.

Yes, it was very tragic when your friend crawled up onto a plastic ball and then that ball rolled over and crushed him. Everyone knows that. But you simply have to move on.

Remember when you were struggling to walk over all of those hairs on that old man’s arm? And then you made your way down his finger, cleared the nail, and hopped back onto the table and then down the wooden leg. That was awesome!

Remember when you got caught in that bulb of dew and played it off all casual?

You know what you see when you look up “Jaunty Ant With A Terrific Sense of Humor Who Does An Amazing Silent Tap Dance On A Pincushion” in the Ant Dictionary? A picture of you!

You practically invented the old adage, “A great day for an ant is a day with no breaks.”

Remember that fire ant named Betty you met about a foot away that time? Whoa. She knew what to do.

Just think, it will all be worth it when you’re floating down a stream on a leaf during your two hour retirement.